


Of Roots And Beards And Sneezes

by NoNoNottett



Category: Ylvis
Genre: Humor, Pappa!Ylvis, the cabin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-01 14:21:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15145025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoNoNottett/pseuds/NoNoNottett
Summary: Bård and his family take their last morning hike before turning the cabin over to Vegard and his family.





	Of Roots And Beards And Sneezes

**Author's Note:**

> I know nothing about the kids but their names. Their personalities are of my own invention.
> 
> Vegard makes only a brief appearance at the end.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~

Bård led the way down the well-worn familiar forest path. His wife Maria brought up the rear of their family group. Between them on this pre-breakfast short hike were his children Jens, Nora and Sophie, in that order as was their usual.

Jens always wanted to be in the front to see things first without the filter of one of his sisters' first commenting on whatever it was. This morning Sophie and Maria were having one of their low woman-to-woman conversations. Christ, Bård thought, his baby girl was almost a woman. Okay, technically - nope. Not going to go there.

Nora, as was so often the case, drifted between the two groups occasionally offering up a comment to whatever bit of conversation she may have happened upon but mostly not. She liked the quiet of nature and was perfectly content to be surrounded by it. Of all their children she was the most comfortable with quiet. How that ever happened in an Ylvisåker home that was rarely quiet for long was an enduring mystery.

Bård used to worry about her penchant for solitude until he realized that she never seemed unhappy or lonely in it. And she had friends she hung out with regularly. She was just not bothered by quiet or stillness like most kids. Like most adults for that matter.

"Watch out for this root," Bård called back to his brood as he stepped over it.

"Pappa, we walk this trail every day every time we come to the cabin. We know about the root," Jens told him.

"And I know about twisted ankles from forgetting about the root. Watch the root."

Jens sighed dramatically and took the highest, largest step his legs could manage over the stupid root that stuck out of the ground maybe eight centimeters. Bård pretended not to notice the move. After all, at that age, he would have done the exact same thing. Probably had done something very similar.

A few minutes later Bård raised his fist in a gesture to halt and silence the party as he often did whenever he wanted to call the others' attention to something. Once he saw they had complied he gestured for them to move in around him. He pointed down to the small bit of rapids in the stream at the bottom of the ravine they were walking the crest of. There stood a doe with her head turned back toward the trees behind her.

As they watched her from above a fawn on spindly legs soon joined her at the streams' edge.

"Oh, that's a young one," Maria whispered.

"Look!" Sophie gasped and pointed as a second spotted fawn made the scene.

"They can have twins?" Jens asked.

" _Ja_ , it's more common than you'd think," Bård told him.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nora climbing onto a lichen-covered rock a short distance away. He sprinted over to her and grabbed her arm to balance her on her way up. He forced himself to not admonish her to be careful. 

His kids weren't reckless but they also weren't afraid to explore the world around them. And that's great - when you aren't so far away from help if something happens. Jens twisting an ankle, they could deal with that. But Nora slipping on a dewy lichen-encrusted rock could mean a cracked head and that means carrying her back to the cabin, then on to the car, and then driving nearly 80 kilometers to the nearest hospital. It would take nearly two hours and that is just way too long. He's always had these concerns, always been very careful, but for some reason, his pappa bear instinct was more forceful this trip than he usually let the kids see. He usually kept it just below the surface, no sense scaring them, but he's been feeling like too much of an old lady this trip, though. Watch out for this, be careful of that. But damn, they're his kids.

Maria would probably tell him he was preoccupied because Sophie was getting closer to going to university every day and because she's been talking about going away to school and he's trying to hold on as long as he can. That's bullshit. She'd be completely right, of course, even he sees that much, but he can still call it bullshit if he wants. Even if it isn't.

"I need my hand back."

"Hmm?"

"I can't take my picture without my hand," Nora told him.

"Right." Bård let go of her arm reluctantly and instead grabbed onto the back of her sweatshirt as Nora clicked off several shots of the scene below. 

He forgot all about the deer and watched his daughter enthusiastically snapping away, fingers moving quickly from one button on the camera to another. He'd watched her work the camera enough to know she was switching between the camera's different modes and working the zoom trying to get the shot she wanted. They gave her the camera for her birthday last year and she was still using it regularly, likely having taken several thousand pictures over the last year and change but he couldn't be sure of that. She didn't really share them with anyone. 

"Pappa," Nora called. She was facing him now and was reaching a hand toward his shoulder.

"Oh." Bård returned his hand to her arm and she hopped down off the rock catching his shoulder for balance on the way down.

"Everyone ready to go get some breakfast?" Maria asked to an affirmative chorus.

She turned and started leading the group back down the path they had come. Once again Jens made sure he was at the front of the group. Nora stayed at her father's side and this time Sophie floated in between.

"Pappa, have you ever had a beard? Or a moustache? A real one, not a TV one?"

"Not really. I've not bothered shaving for several days a bunch of times but never committed to full-on beard-growing."

"When?"

"When, what?"

"Have you not bothered shaving for several days?"

"Lots of times. Right now. I haven't shaved since Tuesday."

"But, you -- oh. Okay."

"So I don't have a heavy heard," Bård said in response to the stifled giggles of his family that wasn't Nora. "You should be glad. It means you probably won't either, _Sophie._ "

That got a laugh from Jens. 

"And you probably won't either, Jens," Sophie pointed out. 

"Maybe I will. Maybe I'll be like _Onkel_ Vegard."

"It's possible but don't hold your breath. And watch the root," Maria called back.

"Ugghhhhhhhhhhh!"

"You don't want to be like Vegard. He'll shave. Ten minutes later, he sneezes and all the hair just pops right out again. Man is a freak!" Bård joked. Was there a more beautiful sound than his family laughing at one of his jokes? If there was, he didn't need it. This was good enough for him.

Bård put his arm around his younger daughter's shoulders. "Did you get the shot you wanted?"

"I don't know. It's hard to tell on this little screen and sometimes things turn to garbage when you zoom in. Maybe. I'll see when we get home and I can upload them onto my computer."

"I'd like to see them. I'd like to see any of your work."

"Ugghhhhhhhhhhh!" Nora let out in frustration and pulled out from under Bård's arm.

"What's wrong with that? Nora?"

She didn't return to his side but instead trudged blindly, angrily forward, pushing through the others. Bård caught up to her and took a stance in front of her. She tried to walk around him but he side-stepped and blocked her way. Soon the others had caught up and stopped as well.

Gesturing down the trail with his head he told the others to keep going. "We'll be along in a minute."

Maria gave him a meaningful look but did as he asked. When they rounded a bend a short distance away Bård turned back to his daughter.

"Okay. What's going on?"

"Nothing," she said trying again to walk around him.

" _Nei, nei, nei._ Why are you suddenly so pissed at me? What is wrong with saying I wanted to see your work?"

"Why does everyone do that?" Nora's frustration was bringing her close to tears. "I wish you all would just stop!"

"Stop what?"

"Trying to make my pictures something they're not. They're just pictures! I don't want to exhibit them. I don't want to make a book out of them. Or calendars. Or postcards. Or posters. Or anything else! I don't want to be a photographer when I grow up and I don't want to sell them! Why can't I just take them 'cause I like them? Why does it have to be about money?"

"I wasn't saying any of that," Bård told her quietly. "I was saying I am interested in what you're doing because it is obviously important to you and because you've taken so many since getting that camera that you're probably pretty good at it by now."

"You don't understand," Nora swiped fiercely at the tears that were betraying her.

Bård looked intently at her, thinking about what she'd said. He pulled her into a strong hug burying her face into his chest. "I think I do," Bård said, still speaking quietly. 

Nora couldn't help but think how weird it was. Her father was not one for spontaneous hugging. He was more of a smile often and an occasional hand on the shoulder with a little squeeze kinda guy. The spontaneous bear hugs were something he did when they were little and in full meltdown mode. She guessed she was sort of in a mini meltdown. Ugh! Nora pushed away and again wiped at her face. He didn't get it, but he was trying. That counted for something but all in all, she would have rather never had this conversation. She'd much rather have had her stuff stay her stuff and nothing be said about it.

"In case you've forgotten, I'm a middle child, too."

What does that have to do with anything? 

"You know how many times growing up I heard 'your brother Vegard did this' and 'your brother Vegard never did that,' and 'you should try to be more like your brother Vegard'. Oh and then of course, there was always, 'don't forget your little brother' and 'let Bjarte join in' and 'share that with Bjarte'. I love them, I do, but I can't tell you how many times I wished everyone would just shut up and let me have something for myself that had nothing to do with them and that I didn't have to share. And you know what, sometimes I still do."

This time when Nora tried to walk around him, he let her and pivoted so that he was walking alongside her again. He put his arm around her shoulder same as before.

"You know, I've written songs I've never played for anyone and won't. I've never recorded them or written them down and I don't think I ever will. And one of them I think is the best thing I've ever written but Mamma hasn't even heard it. I'm not trying to be secretive or anything, but they're songs I wrote when I needed to get my head sorted out about something or when I was feeling overwhelmed by stuff. Sometimes good stuff. They're just my own private personal songs."

The two of them walked in silence for a few minutes. Before long they were catching up to the others. Maria was leading them slower than her usual pace Bård noticed.

"Sometimes I just want to look at pretty pictures. Like, when I had a bad day or something. And I like to make them."

"I get that. Sort of like a mini vacation in your head when life gets stressful."

"Yeah kinda."

"Just tell me this. Are there any pictures in your collection that would anger or offend anyone if you showed them to say, Emma or Mads?"

"What? Like naked people or something?"

"Not necessarily that, but yeah, adults only or bad influence sort of stuff."

"I don't really take many pictures of people. I shoot nature or architectural stuff most of the time."

"Okay. Not that those other things aren't worthy subjects for art, but not yet."

"Don't worry. I'm not interested in taking pictures of that."

The conversation ended when they rejoined the group but that was okay. 

 

~~~~~ 

Jens had the same crooked grin as his father and he turned it on his sisters conspiratorially when they rounded the final bend of the trail and the Ylvisåker cabin came into view. 

" _Onkel_ Vegard is here," he said and took off at a jog to join the man who sat on the step outside the door to the small cabin stretching out his back. His sisters shared a look and a smile before joining him.

Jens plopped down on one side of Vegard and Nora the other. " _Onkel_ Vegard, could you do something for me?"

"What is that?"

"Sneeze."

"What?"

"Sneeze."

"Why do you want me to sneeze?"

"For Science," Jens told him

"Science?"

"Science," Nora confirmed.

Sophie made it unanimous. "Science."

'What the hell?' Vegard thought. He looked over at his brother and sister-in-law. They were both trying hard to keep a straight face.

"Fine." He sneezed for his nephew who responded by staring hard at his face.

"You have to sneeze harder than that," Nora told him. So he did.

"No," Sophie chimed in. "It has to be a real sneeze or it doesn't count."

Maria moved in then and shooed the kids into the cabin unable to stop the wide smile from their antics. "Let's finish getting packed up so your cousins can have the cabin."

Bård took Jens' place on the step.

"Wasn't expecting you already. You must have headed out early."

"Yeah, hope you don't mind. We just thought the long drive would be easier on everyone if the kids slept through most of it."

"I know that trick. Do you need help hauling up your stuff?"

" _Nei._ Bård, don't take this the wrong way, because you know I love your kids like my own - "

"But?----"

"Sometimes they're a little weird. What was all that sneezing stuff?"

"Science experiment. And they aren't weird. They're curious. Its one of our favorite things about them." Bård got up and turned toward the door. "We were going to head out right after breakfast but we can go now and stop somewhere on the way --"

"Eat here. After you finish explaining the sneezing thing to me."

"I already did but if you feel a real sneeze coming on, call the kids. They'll want to watch."

And with that, Bård joined his family in the small cabin.


End file.
